I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
