Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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