Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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