I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
