And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
