Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Randomize
