dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
