between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
