I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
