Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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