youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Randomize
