and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize