Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
