I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
