I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
