He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
