the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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