Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
