hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
