i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
