Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
