Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
