Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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