if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
