highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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