god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Randomize
