Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
