So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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