Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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