Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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