My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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