While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
