Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
