After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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