I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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