My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
