if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Randomize
