Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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