sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
