I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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