just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
