I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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