i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
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