I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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