WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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