I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
