Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Your penis caused this!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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