Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
