You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
