I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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