I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
