This gyro tastes like lonliness
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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