i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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