Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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