just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
