I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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