so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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