i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
