Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
